The Recruitment Night Out
It’s a truth universally acknowledged that Thursday is the new Friday. Every recruiter who enters the office will hear legends and myths of those who walked before them. The intoxicating grandeur of a recruitment night out is your chance to become the name whispered across the sales floor for years to come. Tonight, you shall stumble your way into recruitment history. Tonight, you shall truly make a name for yourself. On this night, you shall look upon the blackened sky and declare for all to hear: “four Jaeger Bombs please mate”.
Let’s Start at the Local
Calm yourself, no one becomes a legend at the start of the night. It’s only 5pm, let’s begin with a beer. You’re quietly judging the consultants who are ‘only coming for one’. Little do you know, they’ll be the ones leaving fried chicken all over the backseats of an Uber at 3am – there goes the five star rating!
Be tactical when in the pub. Your director is here, you’d be a fool to pay for your own drink. We recommend the ‘offering a round’ approach. Ask if they fancy a drink, they’ll reach for the company credit card with a simple instruction “put it on that mate”.
It’s a nice afternoon but it’s not quite lively enough yet. You overhear consultants talking about targets. You catch a Senior Consultant yawning. The trainee’s wrangling for a promotion over a shared cigarette with the boss. This could all fall apart before it even gets going. Then it dawns on you, there’s one way to save the night… THE RECRUITMENT DRINKING GAME.
A Few Too Many Later
The drinking game is over, you’re well and truly tipsy. One by one the bosses make their excuses and stagger towards the exit. They’re followed shortly by the weaker consultants. You give them banter but they’ve got too much self-respect to go the distance with you.
Looking around, you take stock of the survivors. The drinking game killed off a few good men and women. Though the band of brothers and sisters who remain will help to shape your legacy.
You notice the Top Biller sitting high upon their throne in the smoking area. A cigar glued to the corner of their mouth. You approach slowly but with hopeless optimism, this is your moment.
“Coming out after this?” the words catch in your throat, they can smell fear.
“Of course!” It’s agreed, tonight really is your night.
You do the rounds and confirm numbers, sowing the seeds of the evening’s events. Joining you is:
- The Top Biller – A vital ingredient for a successful night out
- The Hard Seller – A contract consultant who’s vying for top spot
- The Flirt – Tonight’s their chance to pull, don’t fall for their charm
- The Storyteller – Don’t get cornered by them, they’ll chew your ear off
- The Technician – They’re quiet, reserved and introverted. It’s the first time we’ve seen them out
- The Maverick – An entirely unpredictable entity
- The Posh Consultant – Born to be perm, their rivalry with the Hard Seller could bubble over
- The Trainee – Bless them, at least they’re making an effort
- You – The negotiator, the tactician of the evening’s events. The person screaming ‘one more’ when others begin to flag
Onto the Club
A few poor decisions later and you’re on your way to the club. The team is in good spirits. You’ve even managed to have a conversation with the Technician, you never knew they have a degree in the History of Western Philosophy.
On the way in, you spot the Hard Seller and Posh Consultant arm-in-arm, settling their differences. Rivalry runs deep but the effects of Jägermeister runs deeper.
You head to the VIP area, you’ve had this planned for a while. The Top Biller gives the nod of approval, it’s a gesture that’ll live long in the memory. While others pour the complementary vodka, you’re at the bar. Ordering a magnum of champagne, you pay by card and ignore the price. Tonight you’re the big shot, even if it means eating 30p noodles for the rest of the month.
A chorus of shouts and screams pierce the monotonous echoes of Drum & Bass. Rushing to the VIP area, a sting of panic takes hold. Has disaster struck? Has the perm and contract rivalry come to blows? Has the trainee spewed over the Flirt? Is this how your night is remembered?
Not a chance! Pushing through the crowd, you’re met with the sight of the Technician busting out the moonwalk. From this, he drops to the ground and into The Worm. So that’s what they teach you at uni!
Then What Happened?
It’s 7am, you’re lying in bed fully clothed while your alarm screams you to consciousness. Your room smells like regret and kebabs. You can smell Sambuca in your sweat. What happened last night?
As you shower, flashes of memory come and go. Did the Technician try to fight a bouncer? Did the Flirt go home with the Maverick? What happened to the trainee?
Your bank balance confirms your inability to function as a responsible adult. After a vital pit stop at Greggs, you enter the office. All eyes are on you. Whispers fill the room. Consultants look on in awe. You’re the stuff of legend, you just don’t know why yet. There’s only one question on everyone’s lips, has anyone seen the trainee?
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