It’s the same every Monday morning. As soon as we get into the office we’re hit with a wave of banter about the weekend’s matches. There’s daily chatter of the latest transfer gossip, training ground injuries and which manager’s getting sacked. You’d be forgiven for mistaking the sales floor for Sky Sports HQ. In fact, this is quite an interesting point. What if Premier League football teams were recruiters? These points are based on stereotypes and recent performance. If you feel your team’s hard-done by, drop us a tweet and we’ll pretend to care.

Arsenal – Only Sing When They’re Billing

Stingy with money, the Arsenal recruiter is relatively successful but lacks resilience. The recruiter only sings when they’re billing and is quick to blame others. They have a natural flair but consistently makes things difficult for themselves. Always the bridesmaid, never the bride.

Bournemouth – Keeps Coming Back

Bournemouth is a pretty fresh recruiter but they have bags of resilience. Some months they bill high while others they dry up. Generally well liked for their plucky style, Bournemouth isn’t afraid to go toe to toe with more experienced recruiters.

Burnley – The Underdog That Rarely Has Its Day

Burnley is just happy to give it a go. They rarely bill highly and they know they’ve got room for improvement but no one can fault their work ethic. They’re probably never going to be top biller and we doubt they’ll stick around but they’ll try their hardest for as long as we let them.

Chelsea – Disliked By All

Despite having the occasional poor month, Chelsea is regularly in the mixer for top biller. The problem is, no one really likes them. They’re rich, arrogant and a little thuggish. They’ve been known to get into a few fights and friends have distanced themselves. Chelsea is deeply competitive and not a team player – keep your eyes out for underhand tactics.

Crystal Palace – The Popular Guy

Crystal Palace is the nice guy. Everyone likes them and they’ve got the best following in the office. They’re not always winning but that’s okay, they still feel the love. Occasionally they’ll bill more than expected but generally they’re content with just hitting the minimum targets.

Everton – Not The Prettiest

They’re not the prettiest recruiter but they get the job done in the end. Their rivalry with another Merseyside recruiter in the office started friendly but has turned sour. They’re happier to see Liverpool’s failure than their own success. Don’t expect them to come to the pub.

Hull City – Socially Awkward

Hull City is the slightly socially awkward member of the office. We still chuckle about how they tried to introduce a new nickname for themselves. They can do quite well and occasionally exceed expectations. They seem to be on their way out but we won’t complain if they stick around for a bit longer.

Leicester City – Peaked Too Soon

Leicester City is the recruiter everyone is rooting for. They were close to dropping, only just escaped the chop but came back to be top biller a month later. A true recruitment fairy tale. Everyone wanted them to nail it and they did. Unfortunately, they peaked too soon and their performance has dropped once more. We hope they can make another resurgence.

Liverpool – Next Month Is Our Month

Liverpool was a former recruiter favourite. Month after month they were top biller. They were untouchable. Now, they remain in the mixer but never quite reach top spot. Next month is always theirs. When they hit form, it makes your hair stand on end – no need to worry though, they’ll soon self-destruct.

Manchester City – Too Busy Counting Cash

This recruiter’s been around for a while but never really looked any good. They got a taste of riches and have since become firm favourites. Now they’re one of the best recruiters in the office and have a dizzying flair to their sales technique. They have a tendency to become too focused on cash. After all, a fancy suit doesn’t make you top biller.

Manchester United – Management Change Messed With Mentality

Manchester United is the most successful consultant in the office but has seen a lot dry months recently. They had a great relationship with their line manager but since his retirement, they’ve struggled massively. Their performance is well below their usual standard. Many in the office take pleasure from this consultant’s failures. Their regular time in the spotlight has left them with few friends. Never leave them alone in a room with Liverpool, there’s a lot of history between the two.

Middlesbrough – The Intern

Middlesbrough is the chirpy intern sitting in the corner. They’re not particularly good but they try their best to get stuck in. There’s a strong chance they won’t stick around but they’re just happy to have the experience.

Southampton – Makes A Pretty Penny

Southampton has become a bit of a joke in the office. They’re known for taking on the cheap jobs and making a nice little deal for themselves. They’re going to sit in the middle of the leader board for as long as they can, probably not winning top biller soon but they won’t get the chop either. Look out for their eBay antics too, they’ll sell anything – usually to Liverpool.

Stoke City – Miserable But Strong

Stoke City is a miserable recruiter to be around. They’re not much fun, they aren’t particularly attractive and they’ll give you a tough time. In fact, Stoke was known for being pretty thuggish on the sales floor but they seem to have calmed down a bit.

Sunderland – Drinks & Yo-Yos

Sunderland is a renowned drinker, possibly the biggest party animal in the office. They do love a night out. As a result, they yo-yo regularly in form. They won’t be top biller but they’re popular in the office.

Swansea City – Cheerful & Optimistic

Swansea was hours from getting the chop and taking up a job in a fast food restaurant. Thankfully, they escaped and have surged to the top of their game. They’ve had a pretty terrible time lately but this cheery Welsh recruiter remains upbeat and optimistic.

Tottenham Hotspur – Always Underachieving

Always eager to tell you how good they are, the Tottenham recruiter is always suffering from ‘bad luck’. They’re underachievers who haven’t really hit their peak yet. They certainly have it in their locker but seem to choke up when it really matters. Always living in the shadow of other North London recruiters.

Watford – Go With The Flow

It’s pretty much 50/50 whether Watford succeeds in recruitment. They’re a jolly worker who hasn’t set their hopes particularly high. They’ll go with the flow and enjoy the occasional moment. They’ve got heart, no one can deny that.

West Brom – Likes To Be Difficult

This is a recruiter who loves how difficult they can make life for others. They seem pretty consistent but show no real signs of taking the next step. They’re stingy with money, work in a cheap suit and occasionally upset the big boys. They’ve got a reputation for being a slugger and like it this way.

West Ham – Tough & Proud

The West Ham recruiter is tough. They’re proud, tattooed and gives their all. Don’t mess with them because they’re known for acting up. They’ve recently relocated to a sparkly new desk but have since struggled to hit any kind of form. Despite this recruiter’s big burly exterior, they have an obsession with bubbles – don’t ask.

What football team best represents the type of recruiter you are? Message or tweet us and let us know. If you’re looking to promote yourself to the recruitment top flight, we can help. Have a browse of our latest vacancies to see what roles we have on offer.