Struggling to get through the daily grind? Got a problem that won’t go away? Made a fool of yourself at the Christmas party? It sounds like you need the help of the Recruitment Agony Aunt. Share your pains with us and we’ll offer some sound advice. Think of it as therapy without the huge price tag (or relevant qualifications).

KPIs Getting Me Down

“Every month I’m top biller but this time I missed my call time target. I made six deals but lost out on the incentives. Feeling pretty annoyed about it all. Can you help?” – Thomas (31), London.

How did you hit six deals but couldn’t make minimum call times? Call times are a pretty basic target Thomas. Pull your socks up and stop slacking. Your boss probably knows the situation and is making a point. Trainees see top billers as gods, stop complaining and set a bloody example.

Bake Off Wannabee Makes Awful Cakes

“A guy in my office thinks of himself as a talented baker. He wants to go on Channel 4’s version of Bake Off next year and keeps bringing in cupcakes. He forces us to eat them but they literally taste like excrement!” – Stephen (27), London.

Stephen, you’re complaining about free cakes? They must be bad! He’s clearly deluded about his culinary abilities. We’d suggest going full Paul Hollywood on his ass! Tell him how awful they are. He might cry, could hate you but at least you don’t have to eat his food anymore.

Fish Fear

“I’m on a new fish diet which is really helping me lose weight. However at lunch once I’ve finished using the microwave to heat my food, everyone seems to avoid me. I’ve been noticing some pretty nasty looks too. What’s happening?” – Meghan (22), Newcastle.

You microwave fish in the office? You’re the worst kind of person Meghan. No weight loss regime is worth the hatred that comes with making the office stink of fish. Stop it immediately, get a Sainsbury’s Meal Deal like a normal person!

Trainee’s Acting Like Jordan Belfort

“Our latest trainee nailed a deal in their first month and now thinks he’s Jordan Belfort. He even asked me to sell him a pen in the pub on Thursday. How can I knock him down a peg or two?” – Helena (24), Manchester.

Ah, this is normal. Trainees are notorious for thinking they’re god’s gift to recruitment. It’s best to leave people like this alone, they’ll self-destruct sooner or later. The chance is, he isn’t resilient enough for the job. You can look forward to seeing him cry in the manager’s office when handing in his resignation letter.

Christmas Party Cock-Up

“So last month was the Christmas Party. A free bar and few too many Jaeger Bombs made a recipe for disaster. Turned out I was sick on my manager’s Christian Louboutin heels. Of course I have no recollection of this happening” – Jenny (23), London.

Sorry to say this Jenny, you’re screwed! Hand your resignation in now – those shoes are too damn expensive. Either that or get your head down, work hard and get some deals in. Keep that up for a few years and maybe she’ll let it slide.

Got a problem that needs the ‘expert’ advice of the Recruitment Agony Aunt? Get in touch on Twitter and you could feature in our blog. Did you make a Christmas party faux pas and need a new agency? Or maybe you’re just looking to escape Meghan’s fishy lunchtime meals? Have a browse of our latest vacancies to see how we can accelerate your career in recruitment.